Looking For Sympathy

I was looking for sympathy

someone to tell me

I didn’t suck

It’s funny how badly

My efforts backfired

I wanted

To feel like I mattered

in the grand scheme

i wanted

to feel like people cared

To make myself known

and be loved for who I am

I am so self conscious

feeling ashamed of myself

for every little thing

The colour of my skin

the sound of my voice

the thoughts in my head

my stupid face

I want to know I’m wrong

about myself

Even if it’s not true

especially if it’s not true

Spirits used to talk to me

Now they are gone too

Pondering my Depression

Do I write these posts

to escape my prison?

Each reader’s empathetic understanding

A slight unbearing of my load

A reduction to my pain?

I do not like spreading negativity

So why do I write these things?

I do not like making people sad

I like to make them laugh

???

Low Low Low My Boat

I don’t know why
But my eyes sting
What a strange phenomenon
What is happening?

It feels like
Tears want to pour
It feels like
There’s something more
Happening within me
Something I can’t see
Making me so sad
I’m as sad as can be

I don’t know why
I want to cry
I was so high
Just last night

I don’t know why
But I knew it would happen
Sooner or later
The low would snap in

I’m an extra terrestrial alien
I keep telling myself
I’ve got a mission
Plans on my shelf

I’m an alien
Still mammalian
Not avian
Non-circadian

My ship crash landed
It’s all in pieces
I’m far from my people
All happiness ceases

But I’ll tell you a secret
Hush, keep your voice down
I’m actually a human being
I can see your frown

My body has a malfunction
Sodium is involved
My brain has a disfunction
That can’t be solved

It is something God given
My highs and my lows
I wish to be forgiven
And wear those white clothes

Can’t help think sometimes
That this is all His fault
I didn’t ask for existence
I grow very distraught

I wish I could just sleep
And live in my dreams
Diving in so deep
Into many different themes

The thought allures me
But it also repels
I want to live
I don’t want to stay in hell

Hell is when I can’t feel life
When everything seems dead
Hell is when I want a knife
And not for cutting bread

Hell is not some fiery furnace
It is a state of mind
Where thoughts can burn us
The light making us blind

Oh, woe is me! Woe is me!
I’m as sad as can be. Wee wee
Stop this pathetic self pity
A voice within, as loud as can be

I hate myself
Every single thing
I hate that I can’t be good
Someone who helps every being

Someone easy to love
Someone who is strong
Someone who is thoughtful
And never does any wrong

The spirits have stopped talking
I can’t hear them any more
The winds and rivers are silent
Were they hallucinations before?

I don’t know why I’m writing
It’s just making me feel worse
I can feel my soul sighing
But with it I can’t converse

Depression makes a fine muse
I look for a silver lining
But I’ve shorted my fuse
And the lights have stopped shining

Trigger Warning

Back in 2009

I cried for help

I told everyone I knew

I was going to kill myself

My father said, “go ahead”

his usual behaviour…

i don’t know what I was expecting!

Anyway…

I did go ahead

I swallowed about thirty tablets

Woke up in my own puke

couldn’t stand up

head spinning

mom screamed

and called the ambulance

Father cried

And kept saying

He was sorry

and that he loves me

(for the first time ever)

i had never seen him look

this weak before

All this while

i was screaming

over and over again,

“why didn’t it work?!!”

thinking then

that my life

would get worse

i do not know if it has

Why Try?

Picking at the scabs

Reopening old wounds

What do I hope to achieve?

My grand ambitions

One project to the next

Each ended in failure

I thought I’d given them up

So why am I even trying

Now?

I hate being lost and alone

but that’s where I end up

every time

Image: The Scream by Edvard Munch

[Poem] Dawn

Dear one, I will tell you what I know

I will show you what the seed of death grew

I know that I know nothing now; although…

I know I must ponder infinitude

Just as the tree must reach tall for the sun

Never reaching there, never fulfilled… Yet

Enjoying the view of every dusk and dawn

Forget your worries a moment; sunset

Nears. Watch it with me. See its golden gown

Being lifted by the ocean.

Why explain

this beauty in terms scientific? Why

reduce its rays to plasma and Enlil spirals?

Leave that for other minds more inclined while we bask in its heat.

Previously: [Poem] Darkest Night Finale

[Poem] Darkest Night Finale

[Poem] Purgatory

Heaven/hell, light/darkness, don’t know

Where this path goes, really don’t care

Feel nothing… void, numb, a mute crow

After my journey in Satan’s cold lair

A frosted reflection on an icy lake

Shows me someone I can’t recognise

Tattooed, after he sat in the rake

Python on his right arm, Leviathan leftward lies

A Mongoose and bird over each

What do these signs teach?

Too cold to ponder, too cold to wonder

After the saunter. Have I made a blunder

Coming here? A mistake? Too cold to care

Am I empty? Is that why I’m now frozen?

That would imply there was something there to fill

Cannot feel a thing except rage. Now even that anger’s molten

Could I ever feel? Long ago perhaps, I once felt a thrill

Long long ago, long forgotten ray.

I’m done with this place, but I don’t know the way out

Don’t really care if I stay here forever cold

I’d just sleep, but my eyelids were plucked out

Nothing else to do but to walk this shadowy road.

Torture me, jeer, whatever… I’ll just keep heading south

Because there’s nowhere else to go.

(If you want to start from the beginning here’s a link [Short Story] Shrink Zero )

I thought I was ending it with this, but I guess I was wrong. [Poem] Dawn