Orange Genocide

My sister called us one night
She’d come back from a museum
In Vietnam
She sounded like she was crying
I couldn’t make out her words?
Something about Agent Orange
When I looked it up on the internet
And saw all the pictures
…
Can you blame me for sometimes losing faith in humanity?
Sheer stupidity cannot excuse the absolute evil of this act

Pareidoliaing

My answers to Braden’s last prompt. I found some new answers while doing this. Please excuse the poor drawing skills. I just scribbled them out, and have forgotten the feel of the stylus

  1. ballerina
  2. hyena
  3. elephant
  4. spider
  5. cane
  6. banshee
  7. creepy eye through keyhole
  8. horse
  9. torch (medieval hand torches)
  10. I think I skipped 10
  11. girl with plaited hair
  12. Quidditch golden snitch (Harry Potter)
  13. Pineapple

My attempt to turn this into a poem :-

There was a ballerina

Let’s call her Greta

She once performed

For a select audience informed:

A hyena, an elephant and a spider

A banshee, a horse and the invisible man(10)

She really wanted to do a cancan

While wearing a pineapple turban

But she was too thin

To pull off that look

She also wanted to twirl a cane

While holding a torch with flames

A dream she’d had since

She was a little girl without hair pins

Before she was introduced to Harry Potter

Who
Made her pine for the golden snitch

Posting Poetry While Feeling Depressed and Insecure

Wherever I look now
I see people despising me
I don’t know how to deal with
My feelings of insecurity

This might be part of my depression
So many things making me anxious
I must control my mind’s disorder
Peace is hard to find, so precious

When I’m manic I’m so confident
And sometimes an annoying asshole
Mild hypomania is perfect
I feel so very good and so whole

Now that I’ve gotten paranoid
I’ve decided to confront people
Ask them if I’m right or wrong
It takes some guts, but feels like freedom

I’m sorry if I seem trying these days
I really can’t help it
I know that you have a lot to face
And I’m a handful, I admit

Reading my poetry can bring you down
Reading my poetry can be no fun
It’s all about human contact to me
I’m scared of everything and on the run

Who would want to read such turmoil?
Who would want to read about this guy
Who is so clueless about everything?
I’m constantly asking myself why

So thank you for reading
I don’t know why you’re doing it
But I’m very grateful
And I’ll try to put in funny bits

High Stakes

I once got so broken
I thought there was no hope for repair
Many words unspoken
I tried, failed to unload my despair

I know the way it feels
When everything is dark and hopeless
When there’s nothing that heals
When a fan’s squeak can sound ferocious

When all you want to do
Is wipe everything you’ve done away
I have seen this view too
But then I started a brand new day

The world is just the same
I guess that it was just me that changed
Within me I see a flame
Not exactly hope; more like a new game

I’m gambling on a miracle
And I won’t stop betting
So I’ll write out those IOUs
From dawn till the sun comes down setting

Looking For Sympathy

I was looking for sympathy

someone to tell me

I didn’t suck

It’s funny how badly

My efforts backfired

I wanted

To feel like I mattered

in the grand scheme

i wanted

to feel like people cared

To make myself known

and be loved for who I am

I am so self conscious

feeling ashamed of myself

for every little thing

The colour of my skin

the sound of my voice

the thoughts in my head

my stupid face

I want to know I’m wrong

about myself

Even if it’s not true

especially if it’s not true

Spirits used to talk to me

Now they are gone too

God Has Left The Building

“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.”

I have asked
I have knocked
I have sought
And what happened?

Nasty men craving power
Turning the world on its head
Hypnotising my neighbours
With lies and spice
To make their empathy dead

They can’t feel my pain
As they mock and they vandalise
They can’t feel my pain
As I pray for my demise

Ask, and He will not answer
Seek and ye shall find disaster
Knock and be filled with false hope
Spending night out there in the cold

This world holds no peace
Will cruelty ever cease?
My prayers go unanswered
Darkness spreading like a cancer

Will I live or die?
Spirits, answer my cry
…
I miss your whispers

…

I used to be so sure

back then

God! Hear my anguished screams

please 🥺🙏

Low Low Low My Boat

I don’t know why
But my eyes sting
What a strange phenomenon
What is happening?

It feels like
Tears want to pour
It feels like
There’s something more
Happening within me
Something I can’t see
Making me so sad
I’m as sad as can be

I don’t know why
I want to cry
I was so high
Just last night

I don’t know why
But I knew it would happen
Sooner or later
The low would snap in

I’m an extra terrestrial alien
I keep telling myself
I’ve got a mission
Plans on my shelf

I’m an alien
Still mammalian
Not avian
Non-circadian

My ship crash landed
It’s all in pieces
I’m far from my people
All happiness ceases

But I’ll tell you a secret
Hush, keep your voice down
I’m actually a human being
I can see your frown

My body has a malfunction
Sodium is involved
My brain has a disfunction
That can’t be solved

It is something God given
My highs and my lows
I wish to be forgiven
And wear those white clothes

Can’t help think sometimes
That this is all His fault
I didn’t ask for existence
I grow very distraught

I wish I could just sleep
And live in my dreams
Diving in so deep
Into many different themes

The thought allures me
But it also repels
I want to live
I don’t want to stay in hell

Hell is when I can’t feel life
When everything seems dead
Hell is when I want a knife
And not for cutting bread

Hell is not some fiery furnace
It is a state of mind
Where thoughts can burn us
The light making us blind

Oh, woe is me! Woe is me!
I’m as sad as can be. Wee wee
Stop this pathetic self pity
A voice within, as loud as can be

I hate myself
Every single thing
I hate that I can’t be good
Someone who helps every being

Someone easy to love
Someone who is strong
Someone who is thoughtful
And never does any wrong

The spirits have stopped talking
I can’t hear them any more
The winds and rivers are silent
Were they hallucinations before?

I don’t know why I’m writing
It’s just making me feel worse
I can feel my soul sighing
But with it I can’t converse

Depression makes a fine muse
I look for a silver lining
But I’ve shorted my fuse
And the lights have stopped shining

Trigger Warning

Back in 2009

I cried for help

I told everyone I knew

I was going to kill myself

My father said, “go ahead”

his usual behaviour…

i don’t know what I was expecting!

Anyway…

I did go ahead

I swallowed about thirty tablets

Woke up in my own puke

couldn’t stand up

head spinning

mom screamed

and called the ambulance

Father cried

And kept saying

He was sorry

and that he loves me

(for the first time ever)

i had never seen him look

this weak before

All this while

i was screaming

over and over again,

“why didn’t it work?!!”

thinking then

that my life

would get worse

i do not know if it has

Why Try?

Picking at the scabs

Reopening old wounds

What do I hope to achieve?

My grand ambitions

One project to the next

Each ended in failure

I thought I’d given them up

So why am I even trying

Now?

I hate being lost and alone

but that’s where I end up

every time

Image: The Scream by Edvard Munch