Tag: Depression

Withered Interests

I was once interested

In so many things

Philosophy, physics,

Mathematics,

Linguistics,

Psychology

History

I still have mythology

music and fiction

My interests withered away

But it seems like they left seeds behind

I just need good soil and water

Letting the sun do the rest of the work

petty / chaos

I know I’m petty

That’s just the way I’m wired

I try to make myself aware

And stop it from happening

But I’m not always in control

I asked her to visit –

The apparition who brought chaos

In small dosages –

As I was growing sick from boredom

And then she really came

I’m not blaming her for this

It’s too early to tell yet

If this will help me grow

Or destroy my will

Am I now looking for someone to blame?

I can only blame myself

It feels like I’m breaking in a horse now

I’m on it, and I don’t want to get thrown off

It’s time to ride my panic

This will either lead to great change

Or miserable stagnation

A/N: Writing like this helps me figure things out, and figuring things out helps me stay calm. I do not like the idea of flooding my subscribers with posts every hour. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Which is why I warned you all earlier. Also, things might get a little crazy. One can never tell when they’re going to have a breakdown. It happened once before. I am not at risk of harming myself or others, and I got an appointment with my doctor… online consultation, but these things don’t need to be handled face-to-face.

I know that I was already in a weird mood before this. I could see this coming. Didn’t think it would be so severe. Today it felt like I’d been hit by a truck, coming out of nowhere. I was happy in the morning, and then *crash* in the afternoon. It’s so strange. I can still tell jokes and feel cheerful( like find things funny and stuff like that). Someone even made me smile, but I don’t think I could use a smiley emoji without feeling like a hypocrite. I really think that that apparition of controlled chaos is real, and not just a manifestation of my mind. Delusion? I admit the possibility. It is hard to determine what to trust. I just think there’s something more to her… She felt so real last night.

I’m going to try and meditate, and then sleep. Take care! And thank you for listening.

Kindness, Love, Accident, Coincidence

Perception expands

After my fingertip

brushes open an old poem,

‘Back to Hell’

i can: see the cycle now

look at my emotions on a higher level.

I should feel better

but the tears still fall

Accident and Coincidence

Were once my designated drivers

taking turns

But this time, there is Kindness and Love

Sitting up front

I have so many reasons

To feel better

I am lucky

but the tears still fall

This night is not as dark as it seemed

Even through closed eyes

A part of me whispers

A/N: I should really stop looking at my phone, but it’s hard to put it down these days. I don’t know when it started getting like this. I will be seeing the psychiatrist on Monday… My panic attack isn’t so bad any more.

F** Them, or, I Am Upset

i don’t care any more

don’t care if i hit the floor

without a single mourner

i just want all this

turmoil, paranoia, pain, confusion

isolation, sadness

To stop

i just want my head

to stop spinning

around a massive black hole

that’s playing with its prey

A/N:

I shouldn’t be feeling like this

i don’t know why these thoughts have entered my head

am I exaggerating, or is my post script denial?

all I know is that I’m feeling like shyte right now

but I still have the energy and motivation to write

so it can’t be that bad

Fear and Confusion

I played a game once, at a seminar. We were broken up into groups and asked to state one quality (a good one, I assume) to sum up our characters. So, people went, ‘I am diligent,’ ‘I am caring.’

When it was my turn, I couldn’t quite get the point of this, and thought I might not have been clear on the rules. So, I said, “I am confused. What are…”

“Confused😂” they broke out in laughter. For some reason they saw me as a non-conformist after that. One of them even called me a ‘funny guy’!!! The nerve of him. All I wanted to do was ask a question.

I do not know if I am a non-conformist, but I do at times feel like I’m a stranded alien. When I find my crowd, I can get so happy and high, but I inevitably mess things up, either because of a misunderstanding, a tantrum, or some good old fashioned ghosting. I can get too depressed to talk…or move…or eat.

I’d like to think I am older and wiser now. A thousand years old, means I’m an adult now. A voice in my head goes, “you’re just going to mess it all up again.”

Posting Poetry While Feeling Depressed and Insecure

Wherever I look now
I see people despising me
I don’t know how to deal with
My feelings of insecurity

This might be part of my depression
So many things making me anxious
I must control my mind’s disorder
Peace is hard to find, so precious

When I’m manic I’m so confident
And sometimes an annoying asshole
Mild hypomania is perfect
I feel so very good and so whole

Now that I’ve gotten paranoid
I’ve decided to confront people
Ask them if I’m right or wrong
It takes some guts, but feels like freedom

I’m sorry if I seem trying these days
I really can’t help it
I know that you have a lot to face
And I’m a handful, I admit

Reading my poetry can bring you down
Reading my poetry can be no fun
It’s all about human contact to me
I’m scared of everything and on the run

Who would want to read such turmoil?
Who would want to read about this guy
Who is so clueless about everything?
I’m constantly asking myself why

So thank you for reading
I don’t know why you’re doing it
But I’m very grateful
And I’ll try to put in funny bits

High Stakes

I once got so broken
I thought there was no hope for repair
Many words unspoken
I tried, failed to unload my despair

I know the way it feels
When everything is dark and hopeless
When there’s nothing that heals
When a fan’s squeak can sound ferocious

When all you want to do
Is wipe everything you’ve done away
I have seen this view too
But then I started a brand new day

The world is just the same
I guess that it was just me that changed
Within me I see a flame
Not exactly hope; more like a new game

I’m gambling on a miracle
And I won’t stop betting
So I’ll write out those IOUs
From dawn till the sun comes down setting