Sunday Morning Thoughts

My moods

Are so messed up

That sometimes I think

I’m possessed

There is a ringing in my head

It’s like I’m only normal

when I’m asleep

Letting loose

everything on people

like I did yesterday

when my ego

isn’t filtering things for me –

Making me ignore things

or telling myself lies –

leaves me feeling

acute embarrassment

If I can control this

and meditate while I’m in this state

I think I can grow

As a person

but what am I growing into

and why?

someone able to understand things better, maybe?

but that’s not going to change my state of affairs

I take refuge in spirituality

making an unseen world real

perhaps to give myself purpose?

is it really a lie that I’m seeing

are my thoughts a ruse?

a defence mechanism

to make me think that life is worth something?

and so I start my Sunday

🤔🤯😵‍💫

Part of me is thinking, I should just write made up stories about fictional characters

Miracle Cure

can’t sleep

last one

Why am I so sure?

why am I

living in the hope that

a doctor will ‘fix’ me

On Monday

and

Why am I

trying to reassure

the world?

the need to fit in once more?

the need to put people at ease?

I hate to be a worry

Even to people I’ve never seen?

I’m scared they’ll go away?

The last one really bothers me

this is the internet

and we are all strangers

…

maybe it is because

we are poets

…

Confessional poetry

can be dangerous

but it can also bring peace

…

now I’m going to shut my eyes

and dream of nothingness

petty / chaos

I know I’m petty

That’s just the way I’m wired

I try to make myself aware

And stop it from happening

But I’m not always in control

I asked her to visit –

The apparition who brought chaos

In small dosages –

As I was growing sick from boredom

And then she really came

I’m not blaming her for this

It’s too early to tell yet

If this will help me grow

Or destroy my will

Am I now looking for someone to blame?

I can only blame myself

It feels like I’m breaking in a horse now

I’m on it, and I don’t want to get thrown off

It’s time to ride my panic

This will either lead to great change

Or miserable stagnation

A/N: Writing like this helps me figure things out, and figuring things out helps me stay calm. I do not like the idea of flooding my subscribers with posts every hour. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Which is why I warned you all earlier. Also, things might get a little crazy. One can never tell when they’re going to have a breakdown. It happened once before. I am not at risk of harming myself or others, and I got an appointment with my doctor… online consultation, but these things don’t need to be handled face-to-face.

I know that I was already in a weird mood before this. I could see this coming. Didn’t think it would be so severe. Today it felt like I’d been hit by a truck, coming out of nowhere. I was happy in the morning, and then *crash* in the afternoon. It’s so strange. I can still tell jokes and feel cheerful( like find things funny and stuff like that). Someone even made me smile, but I don’t think I could use a smiley emoji without feeling like a hypocrite. I really think that that apparition of controlled chaos is real, and not just a manifestation of my mind. Delusion? I admit the possibility. It is hard to determine what to trust. I just think there’s something more to her… She felt so real last night.

I’m going to try and meditate, and then sleep. Take care! And thank you for listening.

Kindness, Love, Accident, Coincidence

Perception expands

After my fingertip

brushes open an old poem,

‘Back to Hell’

i can: see the cycle now

look at my emotions on a higher level.

I should feel better

but the tears still fall

Accident and Coincidence

Were once my designated drivers

taking turns

But this time, there is Kindness and Love

Sitting up front

I have so many reasons

To feel better

I am lucky

but the tears still fall

This night is not as dark as it seemed

Even through closed eyes

A part of me whispers

A/N: I should really stop looking at my phone, but it’s hard to put it down these days. I don’t know when it started getting like this. I will be seeing the psychiatrist on Monday… My panic attack isn’t so bad any more.

I think you should unsubscribe

I cn feel panic setting in

my palms have been sweating all day

my head hurts

my vision, my balance, my every breath:

Unsteady

I am not angry

just scared

But I don’t want to bore you

or bury you

In my unceasing bytes

of electronic communication

don’t worry

I won’t blame you

my mind

is still somewhat reasonable

i hope it stays that way

F** Them, or, I Am Upset

i don’t care any more

don’t care if i hit the floor

without a single mourner

i just want all this

turmoil, paranoia, pain, confusion

isolation, sadness

To stop

i just want my head

to stop spinning

around a massive black hole

that’s playing with its prey

A/N:

I shouldn’t be feeling like this

i don’t know why these thoughts have entered my head

am I exaggerating, or is my post script denial?

all I know is that I’m feeling like shyte right now

but I still have the energy and motivation to write

so it can’t be that bad

Sounds;or Words?

She read my poem today

For the first time.

I stopped thinking of her

as family a long time ago

though we were close

As children

someone sent her a link

didn’t think he’d do that

she sent me some encouraging words

don’t know why, but I thought she’d read another

it wasn’t about her, but had her name on it

A funny villanelle

she didn’t bother to read it

I don’t know why I ever

thought she was being sincere

If I wrote as well as she said

she’d have read another

Art: Mondo Grosso