Stability

Overrated

Comparisons

Distorted

Time

Pollutes

Essence

Preserved

Cherry Jam

Sandwich

This isn’t a cry for help
Or maybe it is?
I can’t tell anymore
Am I a narcissist?
Maybe that’s why people hate me?
That would explain a lot
All I want is a group to be happy with
Am I a freak, or am I not?

For wanting to converse, and feel passion
To learn, to discover, to spiral
out from six feet under, I’m buried in
deep, feeling all miserable

Why should people care?
There’s turmoil everywhere
Many people have it worse
I’m lucky to be here
Ungrateful to even think
Of ending it all, mister
Think of your mourning parents
And scarring your little sister

I have grown used to ignoring
These thoughts of suicide
This is not the right time
For now, smile and abide

I am glad to think
That every day may be my last
I have nothing to achieve
My life ended long in the past
Can I start a blaze, and make a mark?
Can I solve the maze, and stroll through the park
on the other side of misery and doubt
Where the butterflies are not inside me?

I suppose I wrote this to hear you say
‘Yes you can’
But I don’t think I’ll believe it
I am struggling in the sea
Taking in desperate breaths
Looking for a miracle
Anything, that will make me feel
Like I belong

A/N: If you read to this point, don’t worry. I am not at risk of harming myself any time soon. I just had to get this out, and… I dunno… Hope that I can figure this dilemma out? Hope that a comment will turn this whole thing on its head? I don’t know. I’m not even going to tag it. I don’t want to make people feel miserable, but I’m still posting it. I’m leaving myself open for a miracle, if God exists and is listening. Maybe I’ll come back to this one day and laugh at how much of an idiot I used to be.

i don’t know if all my recent posts make me a narcissist. I read a lot of posts about narcissists here on WordPress. I still can’t figure out where their motivations lie exactly. I notice that I talk about myself a lot. I am worried about how that might appear to people. I know I shouldn’t care about such things, but I have been conditioned since an infant to care about what other people think of me. Which is laughable, since I have done nothing to be proud of… ever.

there is another part of me that is not counting on an external miracle, but an internal one… To completely change into a new person, able to handle life… Able to handle solitude, and to remain content with his lot. Am I just day dreaming?

Is it the mask of persona I don

When I am put among a crowd?

I just do what I think is right

To break the ice

Beam a calm, happy smile

Even if I’m panicking about something inside

---

This is a complex phenomenon

Does the soul peer out my mask’s eyeholes?

Socially conditioned to being polite

Genuinely happy to find company

But feeling miserable inside

Simultaneously

---

How do I reconcile all this?

Which is truth, and which is lie?

---

Every ‘welcome’ is heartfelt

Even though I want the peace of solitude

Perhaps I want both

Peace as well as newness

---

They usually do not mix well together

Depression mixes with panic

Triggers a response

I suddenly find myself

among a group of people

It’s strange where these moods can take me

An unbalanced mind

can surprise oneself

Making life

Interesting again

I put forth words
As though they are precious stones
When in reality
They are either –
Pebbles I picked up on the sea shore
Or rocks to tie on before I jump into the river
(Metaphorically speaking
I am not at risk of harm)