[Epic Poem] Part 15: Fastest Rhetoric Gun in the West

[Epic Poem] Part 14: Nietzsche and the Didgeridoo

Cowboy philosopher Shorty
Greets them with a drawled, ‘how-de-do‘
Mary responds quite politely
But Anna is still haunted by Nietzsche’s didgeridoo

“So you want to know whereabouts here is,”
Shorty says, after tea and lemon tarts
“Not a simple question, worth a treatise,
But I’ll put it simply, lest I stop your hearts
We first thought it was heaven, when we arrived
Melange of different ages and amazing minds
But then Nietzsche came, and so we then divined
Menage neither heaven nor hell, a space outside time
Where the laws of the universe sometimes go on break
And we’ve even got an overly pink candy floss lake”

“So, why are we here?” asks Mary.
“Profound question,”Shorty replies,
“The answer could be twenty three
Sent here for a purpose, you were
Just what it is, I’m not sure
Perhaps you’ll find an answer in China Town.”

Image: Terrence Hill (I used to love watching his reruns on television as a kid)

[Epic Poem] Part 14: Nietzsche and the Didgeridoo

[Epic Poem] Part 13: Utopia!

Anna recovers quickly, though her head hurts bad

From eager Mary’s incessant profound chatter,

Her nurse’s bedside manner, makes Anna real mad
Anna cries, “Stop, just stop! Can’t bear this mind batter,

Weltanschauung, sine qua non, sensu strictos and propaedeutics, prima facie and otiose percipi!!!
If you’re not going to read me the Three Musketeers

Then let’s go out, I need to get off my sore derriere!”

Mary acquiesces, with one final “a fortiori!”

They set off to see Shorty, the cowboy philosopher

Rival of Demosthenes, the Demagogue whisperer

“Shorty knows everything about…oh, everything,”

Mary explains, “He’ll tell you why we’re here better.”

They pass by Merlin, a greybeard on a young face
Who lifts his pointy hat, with grace, finesse and zing
They nod their heads to his very polite howdedo.
Anna is quite fascinated, watching the passersby
She stops to watch Plato argue with Thoreau,
She could watch this forever she thinks… Until
She sees nude Nietzsche playing the didgeridoo

[Epic Poem] Part 15: Fastest Rhetoric Gun in the West

(I don’t know why, but I’m fascinated with didgeridoos… and hurdy gurdies!)

[Epic Poem] Part 13: Utopia!

[Epic Poem] Part 12: Ritual Magicks and a Colicky Bird

The Yggdrasil is summoned! Its branches swallow

The adventurers like a matador’s “Toro”.

Their destination reset by the bird’s outburst

They disembark far away from Valhalla! “Curst

Curst curst curst demon bird!” growls Thor, spitting out sand,

“Look where you’ve brought us, this vile and deserted land.

(When we reach there, Sæhrímnir’s food you’ll share)”

From this scene let us move to one quite contrary

And witness the happenings of Anna and Mary!

—-fade out—

—-fade in —

Scene: A colourful Parthenon, surrounded by

Arguing philosophers and yellow brick roads

Beautiful princesses and existential toads

Dueling dualists and material reductionists

Platonic caves filled with luminosity inherent

By stony induction. “Welcome to Utopia!”

Mary says to a newly arrived Anna.

[Epic Poem] Part 14: Nietzsche and the Didgeridoo

[Epic Poem] Part 12: Ritual Magicks and a Colicky Bird

[Epic Poem] Part 11: Highland Spirit

The intrepid heroes, after a quick siesta,

And fiesta, travel to old barn McDonald’s

No time to marvel at the farm’s flora/ fauna

They use Duff’s spare keys, to whom McDonald farm willed

As his rightful heir and successor. Duff don’t care

About the farm though. The tavern’s his rightful lair.

“All right,” Thor says, reading the sacred chalk drawn glyphs

On the inside of the barnhouse walls. Mockingbird burps.

“Silence,” Thor thunders, “can’t make a single mistake.”

“Yeah, quiet,” says the Bird, “or you’ll get the damn herps!”

“First the sacrifice,” Thor says, hidden pockets provide

He magicks a fire, exactly ten square feet wide

“Oranges and lemons for Saint Clement’s” he chants,

“Five farthings for the bells of Saint Martin’s,” he rants.

“Eh?” says Mocking Bird in glee,”did you say farting?

If I could do that, I’d make the sea a parting!”

“Demon bird,” Thor hisses, “just be quiet and still

Or I’ll roast you with parsley, sage, rosemary and dill!”

Thor throws in the fire his various offerings

While Mocking Bird mutters his vulgar proferrings

Thor dances around the fire, “ringa ringa Rosie,”

He then falls down and begins the final sacred chant

Thunder roars with his splendid syllables, “Ee Ai Ee Ai…”

Mocking Bird completes the magical ritual, “Uh Oh!”

[Epic Poem] Part 13: Utopia!

[Epic Poem] Part 11: Highland Spirit

[Epic Poem] Part 10: The Bet

The Scott and the Nord drink fine highland single malt

Cask after cask is taken from the tavern vault

Their burps contain pure spirit. Inflammable Belch!!!

Maid Nancy moves the lamps away. Clever Miss Welsh

Peter and James watch in dismay as Thor wavers

The mocking Bird inebriated in vapours!

James throws a pot of liquid at Thor’s reddened face

Thor roars, “Eel salad! Why you nincompoop disgrace?

You dare empty a chamber pot on my luster!”

James squeaks, “I thought it was water; pick-me-upster.”

McDuffie chortles, “drenched in piss! Just like old times”

Thor bristles, “Speak for yourself. Don’t bundle me with your crimes.”

McDuffie laughs as he falls off his chair…

and then dreams sweet dreams

The mocking Bird sings, cacophonous infusion

To McDuffie’s snores, “tankuberyuchyubigtshon.”

[Epic Poem] Part 12: Ritual Magicks and a Colicky Bird

[Epic Poem] Part 10: The Bet

[Epic Poem] Part 9: We’re Off to See McDuffie, The Wonderful Brewer of Brews!

Tavern Hill, an hour’s walk laden with abuse

From a verbose trans-dimensional mocking Bird

The heroes enter. Their presence does now induce

Instant silence and appraisal from the innards

“Thor, you bastard,” a giant bearded Scott yells out,

“You still haven’t paid your tab, you bloody baw bag

Three centuries interest, a king’s ransom… You lout!”

Thor smiles wide, arms stretched out, “McDuffie lqngubak,

Let’s settle our dues with a drinking contest

All forgiven if I win, plus McDonald’s keys.

My tab closed and I will sponsor the village fest

If you win, McDuffie old friend, renowned qlfuss.”

McDuffie agrees. It’s been a while since he had

A worthy opponent.
The Mockingbird croons, “Mad!!!”

Mary’s little lamb, fleece as white as snow, agrees.

baw bag: scrotum

lqngubak: fishbelly

qlfuss: drunkard

[Epic Poem] Part 11: Highlander Spirit

[Epic Poem] Part 9: We’re Off to See McDuffie, The Wonderful Brewer of Brews!

[Epic Poem] Part 8: The Flipping Bird

“A peculiar state of affairs,” Peter proffers.
“Downright kinky, you nit” the mocking Bird differs.
“We’re heroes, we’ll certainly fix it,” Thor posits,

“We’ll go to Valhalla where Reality meets
And If needed, I’ll kick all demons off their seats
Indeed, don’t fear! Anna and Mary will be saved
So let us go now to McDuffie’s Tavern Hill
And get the keys to the gate of the Yggdrasil.”
Peter and Thor confidently stride forth, with swagger!
James and the lamb follow behind, staring daggers!
The Mocking bird cackles in glee, “Yo Mama…”

[Epic Poem] Part 10: The Bet

[Epic Poem] Part 8: The Flipping Bird

[Epic Poem] Part 7: Thor Fisticuffs

Shapeshifter?” The demon squeaks, “No, you damn feckt,
I’m a pretty mocking bird. Mock, mock and screw you!
That demon wraith ate me whole, that halitosed wretch!
And I got stuck in its throat! That freaking stink belch!!!”

“Can you understand its infernal dialect?’
Thor asks. Peter shakes his head, “Where’s Mary? Speak true.”

Bird cackles in wicked glee, “If you hate the rate
And really have to shake, then just castrate your mate!”

“Mad Fury,” Thor sighs, “the worst sort of punishment.
Definite warp in the space time continuum.
Once I finish this here magical annulment
Mary will appear and Fury bird disappear
Law of conservation of mass. So do not fear
Young Peter Peterson.” Thor begins his magic
While the bird hurls unintelligent abuses.
Viscount James, adjusting cravate, looks so tragic
While Thor’s aether magic over the area diffuses.
Anna disappears. Thor scratches his head, “I think I miscalculated.”

“YEAH, NO SHIT,” says the Mocking Bird.

[Epic Poem] Part 9: We’re Off to See McDuffie, The Wonderful Brewer of Brews!

[Epic Poem] Part 7: Thor Fisticuffs

[Epic Poem] Part 6: The Magic of Earl Gray

Peter, fortified with a ham sandwich searches

Armed with a sturdy wooden stick Peter marches

No black knight shall keep Peter from his Lady Love
Lamb and sheep follow, they don’t really give a shove

About his heroic quest, but there’s a demon
Following in their footsteps, so they don’t leave him.

The demon closes in. Peter brandishes his stick,
Demon says, “Hey, chill out. Relax! Don’t be a Dick!”

Peter says with fury, “What have you done with Mary?”
Demon brandishes claws, and screams, “Hate Rate Trait Mate. Savvy?”
This demon is incoherent and scary. Peter must flee.

Just then, a dazzling light and three people appear
A woman, a bearded Nord and a leg clinger

“Fear not, brave Peter Peterson, ” the Nord proclaims
Ha ha! I was born to slay demons,” he acclaims,

“I shall smite him with Mjol…I mean… My bare fists”
He pounces on the demon, epic pugilist

His punch makes the demon creature disintegrate

(While the leg clinger fop does obfuscate)

“Thanks, I guess I did need some help,” mutters Peter
shame faced says, “and how do you know my name, kind Sir?”

Thor shrugs, “(no thanks necessary) Smiting HateRateTrait was just what I needed

A pick-me-up! And I knew your great great great grandfather

He and I shared many quests. He’s one mortal I heeded

You have his same noble nose, warts and all… As well as his rank odour.”

A dark winged mass emerges from the demon’s ashes, a black bird.
It speaks, “yeah, yeah, yeah… All very touching, you pieces of runny guanno,
But you idjits born of idjits could have gone easier on the punches you know?!!!”

Peter brandishes stick, as Thor raises fist. “Shapeshifter!”, they shout together.

[Epic Poem] Part 8: The Flipping Bird

[Epic Poem] Part 6: The Magic of Earl Gray

[Epic Poem] Part 5: The Reluctant Viscount

Thor channels magic and sighs, still sleepy and weak.
“Oh if only I hadn’t lost my Mjolnir.
Anna tut tuts and says, “you may not be at your peak
But I know just the thing. Please have a cuppa tea.”

Thor drinks the magical Earl Gray, and then goes (to) pee
“All better,” he smiles, “it’s time for portal magic.”
“No,” says James, but too late… They’re drowned in an aether sea
“Muffin brat boy,” Thor says, “stop being so tragic.”
He says to a squealing James attached to his knee

The magic has made Thor feel very lethargic
He’s transported them a thousand miles in space-time
A Peter battling a demon now seems cathartic
Is Thor hallucinating, or in that tea too much lime?

[Epic Poem] Part 7: Thor Fisticuffs